New Improved Me! Ish…

Part of developing an eating disorder stems from being the sort of person who thinks in extremes. At least for me.

I’ve always thought in opposites (use of the word ‘always’ is a case in point). Even as a little girl, the world looked good or bad, right or wrong, black or white.

When I worked at school, it was through the night, determined to get the best grades. When I took up running, I bought the complete kit and dedicated hours to perfecting my technique. When it came to losing weight, I ‘d either do it ‘properly’ or not at all.

My behaviour then, came from a certain way of thinking, a world-view. And this is also why ‘recovery’ feels so difficult. What is it that I’m ‘recovering’ from? If it’s an eating disorder or a dislike of certain foods or even a target weight, then I can reach the point where I say ‘ta-daa! All fixed. Next item on the agenda’. But if it’s a slavery to a system of thought, or being in control of life, then the solution isn’t quite so simple. I can transfer my affections and change my behaviour, but remain enslaved to a system of works or mindset that sees life through essentially the same lens.

I hate writing this. More than anything, I want to say that I’m a normal, healthy person with no weird thinking patterns or obsessions or compulsions or fears or anything else that makes me feel different and rubbish. I want to say ‘anorexia! Pah – done and dusted. Depression? – never again. OCD? That was the old me. Now I’ve changed’.

But in a sense, that sort of thinking is exactly what got me into the situation in the first place. It’s wanting to be perfect. Hating weakness. Wanting to rescue myself. Instead, I’m deeply sinful, flawed and scared. In Christ, I’m also redeemed, chosen, spotless and precious. I’m human. I don’t have the answers. I need help. And as the gospel reminds me, that’s the point.

7 thoughts on “New Improved Me! Ish…

  1. Hi Emma,

    I’ve moved my blog to WordPress and found that the blog roll widget is a bit less funky than with blogger.
    It is just a list… which is a bit unfriendly. I’ve pruned my blog roll to 20ish because I thought that people wouldn’t even think about investigating the blogs otherwise.. but I have found that I can put some text in, so that when you hover over the blog it says something. I just wondered if you would like to write a sentence to describe your blog? Otherwise I will :)


  2. Hi Lesley

    Hope you’re starting to get more familiar with the new site – it looks great.

    Thanks for including me in the blog roll. Feel free to write a description – I guess I’d say it’s about identity, body, gender and a gospel for the broken.

  3. Yup — you have to abandon the perfectionistic drive when it comes to recovery. (0:
    Maddening isn’t it?

  4. Unbelievable! This is just what I needed to hear. All we can do is hold tight His hand and WALK. A moment by moment choice to follow Christ. That is the hope and reality of “recovery”, which we are all in need of if we would be honest.

  5. That’s right – and remember, even if we let go of Him, He never lets go of us.Recovery is a thousand tiny steps, not a huge leap into the unknown.And He has got us.

  6. Here’s a blessing for all us control freaks : May all your expectations be frustrated; May all your plans be thwarted; May all your desires be withered into nothingness; That you may experience the powerless and poverty of a child and sing and dance in the compassion of God Who is Father, Son, and Spirit. Amen. -Brennan Manning

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