Theory and Practice

birdsYou know when you talk about God’s timing and God’s planning and in theory it makes sense?

But then the practice of believing it is so much harder?

That’s been today.

We were scheduled to start IVF after 10 years childless and more than a year of waiting.  I’ve been my normal relaxed self, (wired to the moon with nerves and crossing off the days till finally, something starts).   Injections or nasal sprays or whatever – anything to start the baby process.  Today was that day.

Except it wasn’t.

I sat in the hospital, papers signed, looking at the meds they’d prepared to start the journey. Took out my calendar with the schedule marked out.

Then packed them away as they said we’d have to suspend treatment.

An ultrasound has shown up some problems, which means until we work out what’s happening, we can’t go ahead. In the grand scheme of life it’s not a big thing. But in the world of Emma Scrivener, it’s been a setback.

This is not what I planned. It’s not what was meant to happen. I’m gutted. And upset and leaking faith.

Sitting with Glen, I asked quietly: ‘Do you think God wants us to have children?’

He said, ‘I don’t know honey but He’s good either way.’

And then, in my tiniest voice : ‘But why is this happening? Are you sure God is there?’

Silence.  A snort.

‘Struggles with childlessness? Pain in childbearing? That’s the whole Bible! If anything, this is proof He is there!’

I’m not happy about it. But I see his point.

Prayers appreciated.


24 thoughts on “Theory and Practice

  1. So very painful. My heart goes out to you, Emma. Am certainly praying for you. We were already fostering and had a foster grandchild ( who is now 24!) when we discovered we couldn’t conceive. We adopted our sons and they have brought about equal anguish and joy, just like any child! Adoption isn’t for everyone and it IS a tough road, therapeutic parenting. I pray you will feel how securely you lie in the hands of a Dad in heaven who loves you completely and knows you better than you know yourself. And, of course, knows already what the future holds for you. I know so many people who have had similar issues and now have their own child/ren and even one couple who adopted 3 sibs and then got pregnant! Keep hoping. Keep praying.

  2. Awwh Emma, I can only attempt to imagine how painful today is for you. Praying. X

  3. how terrible to have your expectations built up and then knocked down – thinking of you both

  4. Hi Emma, I know what you’re going through. My wife and I tried to have our own child for about 5 years (though stopped short at IVF – IUI was just about bearable for us!)
    God’s timing was NOT ours, and we have everything to thank God for with our little Leon, who was officially adopted on the 3rd April this year. Claire Kirby is right, adoption is not for everyone, and it probably isn’t a possibility that you want to be confusing yourself with now, but I just wanted to say that I am so glad my wife pushed (and pushed, and pushed – the determined little minx) for having a child any which way, because without that we wouldn’t have the handsomest, cleverest, cuddliest little boy in England.

  5. Hugs and love to you both. Dashed hopes are among the most painful experiences. God knows and He is good x x

  6. So sorry to hear this. Really tough. Will pray for comfort, peace and understanding… xxx

  7. I’m praying for you guys. You both have really, really helped me and I have absolute faith that whatever happens God will never leave you and you will always have peace in him.

  8. Loving prayers from here too. That there will be baby success and that Jesus will be known by you in the middle of all of this x

  9. Oh, Emma – the anguish is so hard to bear. I am thankful that we have a God who binds the brokenhearted, and pray that He will do just that for you and Glen. In the meantime, feel free to grieve and hurt and cry out to Him. He loves you SO much He gave His one and only Son for you. He knows the pain. He knows you. xo

  10. Yes, it makes perfect sense in theory… and preferably for someone else.

    For ourselves, God’s timing and planning is often best (or only!) seen in retrospect.

    I just read something like this in a lovely book:

    Maybe, as with Moses, He has tucked us up in a cleft, and covered us with his hand until He passes by, and when He removes His hand, we too will see His back.

    There in the darkness, He is closest. We just can’t see Him. Because it’s so dark.

    So, if God reveals Himself in rear view mirrors, maybe there are times we have to drive a long long (long) way before we can look in the mirror and see His back. Maybe even as long as to Heaven to see Him there, working his perfect and holy will for our good.

    In the mean time, we have one another. I trust for you and you trust for me, and we all pray for each other and believe God for each other. We weep and rejoice for one another and then even in the dark of the cleft, we are not alone.

    Praying for you both Emma.

  11. xoxoxoxo

    PS it’s not your fault (John 9:3)

    PPS it’s not God’s fault either ;)

  12. So sorry to hear this. Remember – it’s a setback for you but God knew it was going to happen. He’s squirming with excitement though and saying ‘if you could just see yourself in 5 years time!’ like when one day you may tell your disappointed toddler, ‘no, you can’t have ice cream today’, knowing that tomorrow there’s a surprise party with loads of ice cream and cake and smarties!

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