A New Name

arrow16 Comments

  1. Claire Kirby
    Aug 05 - 5:35 pm

    I’ve heard a LOT of these in my time and to be completely honest I’ve SAID a few of these too, to my shame. I should know better. It’s tough isn’t it because I hated it when people stopped telling me when they were pregnant and didn’t ever talk about babies etc in front of me but then it IS difficult to know what to say and also what is OK one month is REALLY not OK another! All we can do is be honest and loving with each other, tell each other when we’ve put our foot in it, apologise when we’ve been insensitive, forgive, hopefully learn, always LOVE. As usual, I’m grateful for your candour. We can all learn so much from your transparency.

  2. Heloise Hearn
    Aug 05 - 5:51 pm

    “Aren’t you doing ‘it’ right?” was my favourite…ouch! My reply wasn’t very tasteful I’m afraid!!

  3. S.
    Aug 05 - 6:09 pm

    I’m always careful what I say….Because for me, my struggle isn’t infertility but autoimmune thyroid disease. And the “things you shouldn’t say ” list for me includes “why are you complaining? At least it’s not cancer”. Nice. Really helpful. Feel for you and praying.x

  4. Lizzi
    Aug 05 - 6:19 pm

    Number 9 – oh hell yes *sigh*. Along with the lovely person who told me I clearly didn’t love small boy enough if I was this unhappy about not having another…

  5. Lucy
    Aug 05 - 6:32 pm

    I’m fairly sure we’re all terrible mothers. God is gracious. Still praying for you, in love x

  6. Pigwotflies
    Aug 05 - 8:45 pm

    Yup, heard at least half of those. :( All meant with the best of intentions, but not that helpful.

    Also, why do so many people ask about adoption? I mean, it’s a maybe, but it’s a long way off and a whole different can of emotional worms. It’s not a fix.

  7. Esther
    Aug 05 - 10:08 pm

    *gentle embrace*

  8. emma
    Aug 06 - 11:17 am

    Claire: so true – I’ve said far worse to others and in fact, most people have been brilliant.Even the ones who’ve made blunders have spoken out of love and I’m thankful for their concern (retrospectively at least!)

    Thanks Esther, S, and Lucy: prayers so appreciated.

    PWF,S and Lizzie: sorry you’ve had these too (for different reasons)
    PWF yes, adoption is a wonderful thing, but it brings a whole new set of challenges and isn’t as simple as it is sometimes portrayed.

    Heloise: Draw explicit pictures and ask for feedback. ;-)

  9. tallandrew
    Aug 06 - 1:52 pm

    We heard most of these during our struggle. Sometimes it takes all your strength not to throttle someone, however nice and helpful they think they’re being.

  10. I read the list of things not to say with increasing despair, but thankfully the list of things to say are appropriate when faced with any intractable suffering

    ‘I’m sorry’

    “‘We’re praying for you’

    And if the situation and relationship is right, Ask

    ‘Would it help to talk about it?’

    ‘How are you praying about it?’

    ‘Where is Jesus in all of this?’”

    Thanks, Emma. Blessings!

  11. abs
    Aug 08 - 11:44 pm

    no 9 made me laugh – not in a belly aching tears rolling down my cheeks kinda way… but a cynical “yeah – whatever” kinda way. I am blessed and have children – 2 boys and 2 girls – in that order. But when I had my first girl I was surprised/offended/shocked/angry at the sheer volume of people who said “oh you can stop (having children) now – you’ve got at least one of each (gender)”…. Nobody knows the struggles an individual goes through (except Jesus) – no matter what the current ‘challenge’ may be – and NOBODY has the right to ‘judge’ in ANY capacity what is right/good for you… my prayers are with you during this tough time, and I pray that you continue to look to Jesus… and forgive us all our ‘bad infertility etiquette’ xx

  12. […] Infertility  […]

  13. Emma
    Aug 09 - 6:33 pm

    Thanks Anita and Abs.
    Tallandrew: I hear you…

  14. Latest Links |
    Aug 16 - 9:15 am

    […] Infertility Etiquette […]

  15. […] Infertility […]

  16. […] Emma Scrivener gives some characteristically sage advice when with friends struggling with infertility […]

Leave a Reply