Not A Dream

dreamOur embryo has been growing.  Tomorrow, I go into hospital and they put her back. (I say her: it feels wrong to say ‘it’).

Last night I had two dreams.

In the first one I was at a banquet, surrounded by friends.  I excused myself to go to the loo. But then I started bleeding.  It wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t get the cubicle clean and I couldn’t go back out.

In the second dream I was in an old-style ranch.  Our cat was nestled in my lap.  I knew what was ahead:  armed men, coming to kill her. I waited behind the closed door.   And for a moment, the world hung, beautiful and still.

I woke up.

And that’s been the shape of the weekend. I keep thinking, everything is ok – this is all a dream.  I start humming and washing up and then, I freeze.   I remember.   It’s real: and I can’t think my way through or make it go away.

I’m scared that I can’t do this.  I’m scared I’ll fall apart. Maybe in the frozen food aisle.  A great big technicolour implosion that splatters the fishfingers.

By God’s grace, we have a child. She’s desperately sick. I don’t want that child to die in a laboratory: but in my womb or in my arms. I’m scared of this. But if we don’t protect her, then who will?

I believe we’ll meet in heaven.  But for now, it’s hard.  I’m not an example or a cautionary tale. I’m me: weak and wobbly and scared of giving my heart to have it ripped out.  But, maybe, this is what it means to be a parent. Giving out of love, even when it hurts.

And God, our Father, understands.  He has done this for us: and He is with us, every step.

Please pray: we can’t do it alone.






17 thoughts on “Not A Dream

  1. Certainly am praying and will continue. Your continued trust in God is remarkable and challenging. I pray that you will both feel His love in a very present way, and when you can’t, that you’d keep knowing it’s still there; He is still there.

  2. I am praying for you, Emma and I am sure many others, too. I don’t know exactly why, but I was quite tearful for the last few days. I am thinking of you lots. One thing is sure: I can see already beauty in your painful story.

  3. Praying for you Emma. You clearly have so much love to give and loving deeply is always a risk. Also daring to allow ourselves to want something so badly brings with it the fear that we don’t deserve it and that it’ll never happen. God never allows us to go through anything that we won’t be able to cope with, in His strength, een if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. Sending you love and hugs. x x

  4. Just remember what you said, if/when (?) it happens… she died in her mummy’s womb/arms. Where she was supposed to die. Where we’re all supposed to die if we die young.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *