I have a very low sad threshold. When I’m watching a film and it looks like the bad thing will happen, I leave or press stop. I’d like this to stop too. But I’m not sure how to turn it off.
In the past I’d stop eating. I’d go running or go to bed. I’d work. I’d write lists. I’d keep busy. I’d shop or drink or sort or fix.
I’m not doing those things. I can feel the sadness. And it’s heavy.
One thing they don’t tell you when you’re getting better, is what you do when you get there. How you live and feel things and don’t run.
I’ve spent a lot of time running. And now that I’ve stopped, the silence is very loud.
I’m not sure what this verse means or how you do it, but it was written for days like this:
Let the one who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on their God. (Isaiah 50:10)
Sometimes, you’re not meant to press ‘stop’, or escape. Because fleeing doesn’t make the problem go away: it’s part of it. Sometimes you have to feel the thing and sit with it. Maybe that’s when you’re living, instead of just running.