“Let go and let God?” Let ME, I hiss (when He’s not listening) – I can do it.
I need to be in charge. Which means making my world small enough that I can control it. The tins, facing the same way. The routines, keeping chaos at bay. No room for other people (in case they don’t follow My Rules). No room for risk (in case it all goes Wrong). No room for growth (because that requires risk). No room for God (because He might do things different).
So. I’ve got my own systems. The cats have to ask for permission to blink. I hoover the fridge. If cleanliness were next to godliness, my cupboards would put me up there with Moses and Sarah Beany. I’m in control. I’m safe.
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. My fridge is not the universe. And I don’t feel safe. Living like this, I feel trapped. Anxious. Lonely. And tired.
I can’t stop my parents getting sick.
I can’t stop my friend’s boss from bullying her.
I can’t manage my own life, let alone other people’s.
I can’t change the past and I can’t predict the future.
I can’t even guarantee the present.
But there are things I can do.
I can give up on myself. Or at least, my self-reliance.
I can ask God to change me and help me to trust Him.
I can stop trying to do everything myself.
I can ask for help: and advice. I can take it – even if it’s not the way I’d do it.
I can talk to God and other people about my fears, instead of colour-coordinating my socks.
I can settle for less than perfection.
I can follow God’s path, instead of hacking out my own.