I planned to write a blog.
I planned to do some washing.
I planned to read the Bible and have a good pray.
I planned to phone a friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time.
I planned to send an (overdue) birthday card
I planned to pay the bills and phone the dentist and reply to email and wash my hair and de-flea the cats and buy milk and take the recycling.
Mondays can be overwhelming – and in my head, these were the benchmarks that would make the day (and me) worthwhile.
The cats are still scratching. The washing is gently steaming (and not in a fresh way). The birthday card is unwritten, the prayer time snatched, the bills still outstanding. I’d offer you a cuppa – but we’re still out of milk.
There are two words humming in my head: “Not enough.” Whatever I’ve done, whatever I do – it’s just not enough.
Where do we go with days like today? Weeks, months, years – when, no matter how fast we run, we fall short?
We can beat ourselves up. “I’m rubbish. Other people have it together. But not me. I may as well stay in bed. I may as well give up.”
We can make excuses. “I’m tired. It’s been a long week. Why do I have to do the cleaning? It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
We can throw in the towel. “It’s no use. Whatever I do is never enough. I may as well stop trying.”
We can try harder. “Tomorrow will be different. I’ll set the alarm. I’ll tick off the list.”
We can follow the “Not enough” thought a little further. Because actually we’ve diagnosed the problem a little lightly, haven’t we? I’m not just an inadequate housewife. My notenoughness goes deeper than the unmade beds.
I can’t save my household from mess, but nor can I scrub my soul.
I can’t serve up the perfect dinner, but nor can I satisfy my deepest longings.
I wasn’t the thoughtful friend I wanted to be today, but, more fundamentally, my sin keeps me from true connection.
I didn’t stave off tooth decay this week – but I can never stave off death.
I didn’t have a text-book “quiet time” this morning, but actually there’s nothing in me that belongs in God’s presence.
I’m not just “not enough”. Nothing in me recommends me to God – not my “spiritual disciplines” or my “holiness” or my spotless sheets. The problem isn’t that I don’t measure up to these standards, it’s thinking that these “standards” make me ok with God.
My standing in heaven has never been about those things. It’s always been about Jesus. And today…
HE is my cleanliness
HE is my satisfaction
HE is my mediator
HE is my salvation
HE is my relationship with God.
And that’s more than enough.