God of the Barren

Next week we’ve got a Fertility appointment and I don’t think I can do it.

Sorry – there’ve been a lot of ‘I can’t do it’ posts recently – but this underpins a lot.

We’ve been told we won’t conceive naturally, if at all. Both of us got issues and they’re not easy to fix.

It’s not the end of the world – but it is very, very hard. For the man as much as the woman – no matter how strong they might seem.

Baby stuff gets to the core of who you are – your body and sexuality and hopes and heart. The soft underbelly you don’t normally show. No-one wants to invite strangers into their bedroom, (well ok, some do – but that’s erm –  a different post).

Plus, there’s hospitals. I Hate hospitals.  At the height of my anorexia, they merged into a terrifying blur of  ECGs, weigh-ins, blood tests, scary hospital food and disapproving nurses. I thought I’d kissed ’em goodbye when I started getting better, but then my bowels packed in and I discovered the Digestive Diseases Unit. Colonoscopies and enemas. (Good-looking) male doctors prodding me in places where even a husband fears to go. Plus,  those terrible see-through nighties that don’t tie properly.

Never again, quoth I.  My bits are my own.

But that’s not true – in experience or in principle.

My bits aren’t my own. I’m not in charge –  over my life or my body. (Just as well, as experience shows I can’t be trusted with either).

I might not feel like a woman, but that’s what Jesus has made me – and it’s what I am – even if I don’t cross all the lady boxes.

Whether it’s bowels or ovaries, heart, soul or bones – ain’t no part of us over which Jesus doesn’t say ‘this is mine’. But whilst I agree it’s true for Other People: can the gospel also be true for me? Am I really his daughter – loved, accepted, forgiven and already whole?

If so, why do I feel so broken?  Perhaps because He is God of the barren, as well as the fertile.

Lord of the wasteland as well as the open spaces.

And maybe this is the only way I’ll finally get it – when I open my trembling fist and hand my fears and my idols and my dreams to Jesus.  ‘Take them Lord. And please, be gentle’.

Because He is

He won’t crush us.

He’ll take our broken pieces and he’ll bind them together. He’ll hold together in His palm, what has been ripped apart.

Whatever we face – He’s with us.

Nothing… neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth,

nor infertility nor singleness nor loss nor addiction, nor sickness nor sadness nor madness nor anything else in all creation


will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Roms 8:39)


Jesus is not just enough.  He is Everything.




13 thoughts on “God of the Barren

  1. No one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields – and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.

    He can give children, even to the barren, the widow, the lonely, and the broken a hundredfold more than we ask or imagine.

  2. A repost from your post: 2 Cor 5:7! God will be your strength. I’ll pray for you both. x

    P.S. It’s great how your posts work like the Psalms – moving from a place of fear and oppression to the light of Christ – thank you for sharing that process with us.

  3. What an honest and raw post.. thanks so much for sharing it. Jesus is our Rock. He is all we need but it’s so hard to see that sometimes. Prayers for the appointment.

  4. Thanks so much for your comments, wisdom, prayers and encouragements: they really mean a lot. The appt is on Friday next week x

  5. Hi Emma. So encouraging and reassuring. Sometimes I feel like I am separated from his love but its simply not true. X

  6. Hi Emma,
    This is so honest please keep sharing – I will be praying for you and your hubby too. I have a friend who was going through similar stuff and thought she’d never have a baby until she asked Jesus and prayed and then things happened for her. I have shared your post with her and am hoping she will continue to have faith in her journey too.
    I write a blog too if you ever get any time http://personalwordofgod.wordpress.com/
    Rae xx

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