I am writing to complain about your recent articles.
I have been a keen subscriber now for several days. On initial reading, some of your claims seemed a little extravagant, (see below) but the personal recommendations from Kim Kardashian and Matt Roberts helped to set my mind at rest. It was therefore with no little excitement that I prepared to Change My Life and Butt. However, two weeks later, I have yet to drop a dress size, think myself fit, find my inner wise woman and makeover my man. (Far from revitalising our relationship, he was unresponsive to Kale Shakes and downright hostile to Cleanercise).
I have been following your instructions to the letter, but seem to be failing on every count.
For example. I understand that Stripes are the new Spots. Other people seem to find my wardrobe amusing, but despite investing in some Key Pieces, I have yet to dress myself happy. Am I perhaps wearing these the wrong way? Please advise, as I have now exhausted my living budget and am Fabulous, but also cold. And unlike your other readers, I hadn’t reckoned on the Tropical Fruit Fund required for your new year Dutch Guava Diet.
I’m not complaining about the guavas as you only require one a week. That said, they’ve been tricky to get hold of… and despite eating the packaging, I’m still hungry. I know you told me to Starve Myself Sh-amazing, but I tried this before and I’m not convinced. True enough, split ends were less of a concern when my hair fell out … but it’s swings and roundabouts really – what you save on shampoo you spend on life-support.
I have a few extra concerns. I tried the ‘Me First’ programme for a week but none of my friends have returned my calls and after ‘Tough Love Talks Truth’ my husband is still sleeping in the basement. I don’t want to get all sciencey as I know it’s unfeminine, but the Microdermaroller burnt off my eyebrow and I’m still a little fuzzy on how olives get you pregnant.
Please could you explain what I’m doing wrong.
Your devoted reader.
PS: I filled out your quiz, ‘Am I Boring?’ and it said yes. What now?
Here’s the image full-size in case you can’t read it…