Dear God
Hi. Emma (Scrivener) here. Sorry I haven’t been talking much recently. Don’t worry – I’ve been reading my Bible and stuff…but I just can’t seem to pray. The words have dried up.
It’s not that I don’t think prayer is important. I do! And I can do it for others, but not for me. When it’s talking about me, I feel a bit awkward. The little things are too little – but the big things are too scary to bring up. Which just leaves missionaries and admin really. Blanket prayers that seem to cover everything but actually say nothing. Holy routines that don’t go too deep.
I wonder if you could mute life, just a little. Make it safe. I don’t want to feel the sad things and I don’t want to change. I want a word, quick and reassuring. Like a horoscope, except from the Bible. For example: ‘Things are gonna be okay. Nothing bad will happen’.
I’m tired Lord. Tired of feeling my weakness. Tired of needing you like this. It’s not comfortable or dignified or controllable or understandable. It’s not well, fair.
And the bad things do happen. Not just on TV but to people I love. Sometimes, to me. I read this is a part of following you. But it’s hard Lord. It’s not how I’d do it. The weight of it and the weariness and the brokenness of me and other people and a whole world that needs fixing – if I were you, I’d fix it. I’d make it so we could take it to you and not carry it ourselves. I’d make it so you understood what it feels to be human. I’d make it so you were here, right now with me.
Ok. You’ve done that. But look, sometimes – it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes life is just plain scary!
…and yes. I get that ‘scary’ is part of the whole deal. I just wish you could reassure me it’s gonna be ok.
Wait. You did remind me of that just this morning… and also, through my sister, this afternoon.
Right, then.
So, I guess what I’m saying is – thanks. To be honest I don’t really feel it. But, yeah, thanks.
…
PS: This is not a prayer.
Oh Emma. So, so this. Thank you.
Reminds me of S. Beckett and Endgame: The joke is about a man who orders a pair of trousers from a tailor. After waiting several days he returns, but they are not yet finished. Every time he goes back to get his trousers, the tailor gives him an excuse about why they are not yet finished. Finally the man explodes in rage and says, “In six days…God made the world…And you are not bloody well capable of making me a pair of trousers in three months!” The tailor replies, “But my dear Sir…look at the world…and look at my trousers!”
I find that my tendency is to hide behind “Thy will be done”.
Not that His will shouldn’t be done. That is ultimately what ought to happen. Not that my will ought to inform His, or that I’m going to twist His arm to do my bidding. But I find that I am often hesitant to bring my desires to Him. I often feel they are unworthy and there is a temptation to deny them.
When I stop short and go straight for “Thy will be done” without voicing my desires, I believe I’m forgoing one of the purposes of prayer. That is to bring my will into accordance with His.
I suppose I struggle with a proper view of myself as one of God’s children and of God as a loving and interested Father.
Tim: :-) !
I agree Chris – there’s something very threatening about voicing our desires: and it can say more about our faith than our words sometimes do.