Bonkers ‘Beauty’

Fish pedicures. Apparently these have been taking the nation by storm. Not in Eastbourne, they’re not, but maybe that’s just us. Here’s the spec – you put your feet into a tank of fish and they chew off the dead skin. Nice.

Skin creams using placentas. Nothing like bovine womb scrapings to boost collagen levels, right girls?

Forget your kidneys – for a real detox, try leeching (As recommended by Demi Moore)

Bird poo face masks, aka ‘traditional Japanese Geisha facials’ (with that all-important constituent, ‘nightingale droppings). I imagine for the down-at-heel, pigeon poo would also work wonders.

Snake venom eye-cream. Similar to botox, except like, totally natural.

Bull semen hair conditioner. Yes.

Egyptian butter massage. Butter is applied over every part of the body, including the bits where the sun don’t shine. Plastic bags are placed over hands and feet and you’re led to a room with a long row of toilets and smoke holes. You then sit over the toilet till all the butter is melted. Why? Er –  the well-known fact that butter  tightens  post-pregnancy muscles.

Snail slime for wrinkles. ‘The mucus secreted by land snails has a powerful antioxidant that protects them from an atmosphere full of oxygen radicals and has been clinically proven to help maintain the skin, as well as improve cell function’. Beauty editors don’t lie.

The gold leaf facial. Apply leaves of 24 carat gold to face. Massage.

Hand de-veining. Those veins are optional – and they’re so aging.

Acid face peels. Don’t like your face? Why not burn those pesky wrinkles off?

Breast milk soap. Because it’s wasted on babies.