Best Heckles

As someone who regularly invents brilliant one-liners (- three months after the original conversation), I’m always impressed by those with a more immediate response. This selection of heckler put-downs comes courtesy of today’s Independent – but they are beauts.  And it is a Friday..

Mark Steel

Two years ago I appeared at the Andersonstown Leisure Centre in Belfast. There was 1,000 people there of which about 250 were fans. The rest were drunk.

I was introduced as “this British idiot” which didn’t help in this Republican stronghold of West Belfast. I was greeted with a torrent of abuse. I tried to do a few minutes but thought it best to say my farewells. Before I went off, I said: “I preferred it during the Troubles, at least you were fighting each other.” 


Frank Skinner

Heckler: I met you when you were at medical school.

Skinner: Ah yes, you were the one in the jar.

Rufus Hound

(To bar staff): “Can we get some crayons and a menu for this guy to colour in please?”

Linda Smith

Warren Lakin, partner of the late comedienne: “One she regularly employed on stage was aimed at rowdy and hapless groups of male hecklers – rugby clubs included. In response to the inevitable calls of “Get your boobs out,” Linda would retort, “Why – is it time for your feed?”

Ian Stone

Stone: What do you do, sir?

Man in audience: “I’m an engineer”

Stone: “What type of engineer?

Man : “You wouldn’t understand.”

Stone: “Try me.”

Man : “Supersonic gas solution.”

Stone: (quick as a flash) Expialidocious!”

Jim Tavare

My recollections of performing at the notorious Tunnel Palladium in Greenwich still give me nightmares….My act included impressions from the Starship Enterprise. During my routine I heard, “It’s comedy, Jim, but not as we know it.”

Roy Chubby Brown

Brown: Did you watch Playschool as a lad?

Heckler: Yes.

Brown: Which  window do you want to go through?

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