Ways to Win An Argument

1. You are Right.  Never forget this.

2. Your opponent is an idiot. Talk over them. If they protest, talk louder.

3.keep interrupting.  Tell them they’re boring you and making no sense. Roll your eyes.

4. treat your adversary like a particularly stupid, deaf dog. Speak very slowly and pat them when possible. The aim is to make them very angry.

5. when they become agitated, tell them you can’t engage with someone who’s lost their temper

6.If this has no impact, pretend to be deaf. Find a red herring and run with it.

7. If they stay calm, tell them you won’t be patronised.

8. correct their grammar. Say something in Latin: ‘quo vadis’ for example. If they know Latin, tell them they’re being defensive. Insert ‘ergo’ and run with another angle.

9. Repeat after me, ‘you always..’ ‘you never’…’well you would say that’. Compare them to your favourite despot.

10. If they seem to be winning, then dredge up the past.  They’ve done something wrong –  so remind them of it.

11. If all else fails and they make a good point, then pretend it didn’t happen.  Hum in your head or out loud while they’re speaking. Misquote them and misremember everything they’ve said.

12. Tell them you’ll pray for them, but refuse to engage. Remind them that you are smarter and more objective than them.

13. Rehash criticisms – especially from members of their family. Pick the person they like least and tell them why they’re exactly the same.

14. Say, ‘I’m sorry, but I just love Jesus’. Sign deeply, then walk away.



Congratulations: you win!




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