In the weeks before, she wrote this:
“I hate bulimia.I hate that it makes me do silly things like that. I hate that it makes me stick my fingers down my throat. I hate that it fools me into thinking I’m invincible. I hate that it fools me into thinking that even though chocolate rarely comes up, it definitely will this time. IT WON’T. I hate that it leaves me with a gross taste. I hate that it gives me chesty hearty pains. I hate that it’s going to make my bloods go funny again. I hate that it isolates me. I hate that it makes me lie. I hate that it makes me want to bite. I hate that it swallows up my hope, just like it swallows up the contents of the fridge. I hate that it makes me question whether or not I’m winning. I hate that the people I most want to help me aren’t able to. I hate that it tells me I’m in control when I’m in it’s grips, when actually that’s bullshit. I hate that it makes me feel like this. I hate that it makes me feel desperate for a cuddle and a cry and some reassurance, but makes me feel too embarrassed and ashamed and guilty to admit it to someone and ask someone to give me a hug, cry with me and reassure me”.
Coming out of hospital she felt that she had no hope and no future.
But step by step, she’s been rebuilding. She’s had bad days and good days and it’s been a long and painful process. A lot of the time she was tempted to give up and hide away. But instead she opened up. And with the help of the Lord and those around her, she kept going.
A few days ago she wrote this:
“I myself am doing really, really well, Emma. Can’t quite believe or comprehend the transformation I feel, but praise be for that! My mood and eating has completely improved and fairly well stabilized. Genuinely can’t remember my last binge or purge, I kid you not. I feel NORMAL. Well, what I imagine is normal. I don’t feel like I’m being held back or held captive by ed/depression/history. I feel like a normal person, getting on quite happily with a normal life. Each day is different, each day has its ups and downs. But they’re normal. And for when they’re not normal, I’ve got amazing support.
I’ve experienced/am experiencing true healing; physically, emotionally, spiritually. It’s incredible Emma. I’m so so thankful and cannot believe it. God is GOOD! I was reflecting the other night; gone is the compulsive lying, the isolation, the hatred, the chest pain, the sore muscles, the bleeding knuckles, the vomiting blood, the acid reflux, the cold, the fatigue, the dizziness and fainting, the hair loss, the constant blood tests and ECGs, the shaking, the lack of concentration, the hopelessness, the dread of tomorrow, the calorie counting, the marriage to exercise, the weekly £30 spent on binge foods, the secrets, the self-punishment, the broken relationships, the jealousy, the worry and panic, the……… you get the picture. I’m not suffering in those ways anymore, and I’m over the moon. I think I’ve beaten it. Or at least am nearly there. And I am so encouraged in knowing that, as you said, I’m still a work in progress, and He’s not done with me yet.
I don’t know if I’ve said before (so excuse me for repeating myself if I have), but I’ve finished things off with my counselling and this week is my last appointment at the eating disorder outpatient centre. Eeeek. It makes me a wee bit nervous in case I’ll suddenly be stuck, but at the same time I know I’ve been coping fine in the weeks in between appointments, so I should be OK.
So please thank God for everything. I’m amazed and in awe and full of the joy of the Lord”.
Recovery is possible.
So, so proud of you girl.