Dear Body

plateDear Body,

I’m sorry I’ve hated you for such a long time.

I’m sorry I tried to starve out your strength.

I’m sorry for saying you were ugly when you were always beautiful.  For making you my god – and calling you my shame.

I’m sorry for all the years I’ve put you down.  Baggy brain, empty womb, broken bowels. Telling you, you’re weak – when you were always strong. Telling you, you’re strong  – when you were very weak. How could you do this to me?  How could you fail me at every stage?

I’m sorry I took you for granted.

I’m sorry I  blamed you for what was never your fault.

I  hated you and I starved you – but  I cursed when you gave way.  The useless legs that ran and the ugly arms that hugged. The wonky teeth and wavy hair – I wish it would fall out!  Clumps on the pillow. I wish it would grow back.

Dear Body

Thank you for sticking with me when you could have given up.  Through anorexia and depression.  Through sickness and through sin. Through singleness and through marriage. In the car crash and the IVF ward. When I punched you – and when I painted you. When I stuffed you and when I starved you. When I tried to kill you – and when I begged you to live.

Thank you for telling me when I’m hungry and for reminding me when I need to rest.

You’re not weak or fat or useless or ugly.  You are beautiful and wonderfully made.

I want to pour you a glass of wine and run you a bath. I want you to run and I want you to rest.  I want you to reach out: to encircle others knowing you too are deeply loved.

I’m glad there is more of you.  I am glad you take up space.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of my body.

For You shaped me, inside and out.
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.
I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.
As I took shape in secret, carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.
You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.
Your thoughts and plans are treasures to me, O God! I cherish each and every one of them!
How grand in scope! How many in number!                                                

If I could count each one of them, they would be more than all the grains of sand on earth. Their number is inconceivable!

Even when I wake up, I am still near to You.

Psalm 139:13-18





10 thoughts on “Dear Body

  1. Beautiful words Emma, we should all appreciate our bodies rather than hating them, but it’s so hard with an eating disorder constantly dictating everything we do and think and feel.
    I love that version of Psalm 139. Thank you for this lovely post x

  2. I can’t wait to be able to say this to myself one day. Whatever happens, whatever doubts you have about yourself, never forget this journey and the strength and courage you’ve demonstrated by getting to this place. You’re a true inspiration Emma, thank you

  3. How humbling…you make me cry….but thank God he sees all our tears and carries us in the palm of His hands….

  4. I hope some day I believe this. I don’t know how I can become deeper with God.. every book says that when you finally realise God’s love and grace, you can finally get better. I realised those things and believed those things along time ago… i just can’t apply them. I feel like a fake leading a church and its young people with such a constant secret. Thanks for sharing your story though… I have your book… it gives me at least a glimpse of hope.

  5. Thank you Emma. I am kind of overwhelmed that you say my post and responded… and in such a detailed and beautiful way. When you’re a leader not very many people do those things for you… Thank you. X

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