Final Thoughts

nothingI’m  in a cafe in Victoria, fighting pigeons off my plate and trying to marshal some thoughts before heading to Premier.  One small problem: I can’t remember a single fact about eating disorders.  (Well not quite – 1.6million sufferers in the UK; I know this  because I’ve written it on my hand for emergency use).

It would be easy to panic, but I’m not.  Instead, I’m talking it through with you folks and trying to work out what I want to say. Problem is, I don’t really know.

I can talk about how it has been for me, and what has helped.  But even this is topsy-turvy.  When you come to the end of yourself, God starts to work. But it feels like falling. And I haven’t landed yet.

So here’s what I’m clinging to: When you’re sad and struggling, you don’t always want answers.  You just want to know you’re not on your own. So I’ll take my mess and we’ll go from there.



8 thoughts on “Final Thoughts

  1. Praying for you. Its so brave to do this – whatever you say people will benefit and appreciate you speaking out about it :)

  2. Do you mean you want prayer or you want perspective?

    I’ll give both :)

    Shrinking the big huge scary crazy world down to something tiny that I can manage alone is what disordered eating offered and continues to offer me. Its crap and it doesn’t work, but it still offers:
    Nervous? Sad? Fill it up.
    Ashamed? Angry? Empty it out.
    Something too big to be controlled? Siege warfare. Starve it into submission. A hunger strike, prove who’s strongest.

    It amazes me that after all these years the lie still tries to sway me. One year since my last brief and astonishing relapse and over fifteen years since the one before that, and I can still hear that ridiculous lie. I will fight it as long s it speaks.


  3. “When you come to the end of yourself, God starts to work. But it feels like falling. And I haven’t landed yet.”

    Yes. This is an unpleasant state and a really difficult condition we have to go through until we see the light. However, you will see it, Emma. God is working with and through you [I saw a video on the internet where you gave your testimony on eating disorders. Impressive! – And eventually I know now how to pronounce “Scrivener” rightly ;-) ].

    From my own experience I can tell that I have been writing for about five and a half years now under God’s direct guidance. Frankly speaking, it is anything but easy for my bird brain to grasp why He ALWAYS leads me in another direction than expected.

    For instance, I awake in the morning and I feel nudged to pray for someone who pops up in my mind. Then there is a continual heartfelt connection through prayer between her or him and me which never vanishes again. I often think after such prayers that I should do something for them because I would love to do so. However, suddenly a kind of invisible wind (cf. Jn 3:8) blows through my mind and, here you are, empty-minded Susanne, not knowing what she could do, or write, or say. This is always the end of myself and the beginning of God’s work in me.
    Sometimes I have many ideas in my mind which overflows with creativity. Therefore, I could joyfully write countless comments on different sites, or emails, poems, songs etc.pp. But as soon as I sit down in front of the computer – all ideas have been blown away.
    And so it was yesterday.

    It was late at night and I wanted to write. Hell-bent on it, you can be sure.
    In such moments I often experience that God gives me the decisiveness to write long before He shows me what to do. Sitting there and browsing one blog after the other, I asked God more than once,
    “What may I do?”
    No replies.

    Finally, I gave up on it (yawning) and pondered on going to bed. I only decided to type on Google Search “Susanne Schuberth (Germany)” with inverted commas before leaving my computer. And…
    “Whoa there! What is that?”
    There was a blog of which I never heard before because it is rather new. I know all blogs on which I commented, yet this one – no. Nonetheless, there even seemed to be my name on the home page.
    Curiously I scrolled down and saw that the blogger had posted a permalink to Tullian Tchividjian’s blog post “What Binds Up Broken Relationships?” and to my comments there. “Aha!?”
    I was really surprised about it and I wanted to write at least a “Thank you” to Larry who blogs on GROUNDED ( But alas, while all normal people would have no problems to write “Thank you” and a few words more, I had “serious” problems. And reading some of Larry’s articles, many ideas came to my mind.
    However, I felt God didn’t want me to write on one of them [Just for clarification: If He finally shows me what to do, I cannot help doing it and love whatever God nudges or urges me to do. And as soon as I have done it, I forget everything about it until He puts it in my mind again].
    To make my lengthy comment shorter, finally, I wrote on the linked article about C.H. Spurgeon’s conversion (January 6, 2014).

    In closing I would merely say, you have been surely on His way, Emma. :-)
    And here’s some more information on that divine self-forgetfulness you have just experienced. If you wish, see

  4. Oh, the wonder of being able to listen to a streaming live radio broadcast from across the world! Our Sunday group got to listen in to part of the program today, during the time you and the host took a text question about how self harm and eating disorders are related. That was so very good to hear, as I can think of very few–if any–who haven’t engaged in some kind of self harm. I hadn’t seen this post beforehand but had been praying for you. Someone in our group asked if you had a counseling degree. I said I didn’t think so, that you were just being yourself. To which someone else replied, “Reminds me of Luke 14:11 in The Message: ‘If you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.’ ”

    Thanks, Emma, for simply being yourself! Just hearing your voice in real time across thousands of miles stirs my heart towards hopefulness :-)

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