Sunshine and Scars

sunshineMost of us love the sunshine. My husband is no exception.The merest hint of a sunbeam and he’s outside, charging after tennis balls, singing and muttering about cricket. It’s like a disease. And were it not for my total commitment to darkness and misery, I might be tempted to join in. (But I’m Northern Irish.  So I fight it).

I have to say though, I see his point. After all, what’s not to like about stripping off and basking in the sun-buttered heat?  Throwing your dignity and socks to the wind and indulging in the sheer joy of being bodily. (As I write, our cat is doing just this: basking  in a pool of orange dust without even a hint of self-consciousness).

I envy the cat.  And I envy my husband too.  Years of wrestling with an eating disorder have left me with a body for which I’m grateful, but still slightly uncomfortable. I guess (outside of Embarrassing Bodies), there’s not much opportunity to see what other women, real women look like. It’s all too easy to compare yourself to air-brushed models, actresses or celebrities and conclude you’re somehow substandard and below par.

But there are other factors that make us body-conscious; especially in the heat. I’m talking about scars. Not just the little ones, from when your brother pushed you into the rose-bush.  The big ones, criss-crossing your arms and wrists like a map of the underground. Angry red and purple weals, some ancient and others – fresh.

Generally you keep them covered.  Wristbands, jewellery, scarves and long sleeves. But you feel them, burning below the surface.  A flush that spreads to your neck and your face. And in the sunshine, when your skin’s prickling under the fabric, you long to let them breathe. Friends comment: ‘aren’t you too warm?’ Your parents offer to buy you some T-shirts. And for a moment, you’re tempted. But you remember, the stares.   The questions.  The concern. ‘What happened?’ ‘Did you do this to yourself?’And you don’t have answers. So you keep your arms and your feelings under wraps.

You don’t have to be ashamed of your scars and nor do you have to cover them.  Many people have experience with self-harm, and even those who don’t can have understanding and empathy for what you have been through. If you feel able to, you can explain that they were a way of coping at a time when things were hard.  Or you can simply say they were from a while ago and you don’t want to discuss them. If you feel self-conscious, there are ways of making them less obvious. These include over the counter creams, or using ‘camouflage’ make-up, which has been specially designed for this purpose. There are also surgical options and or tattoos to help cover them.

Whatever you decide, remember: not everyone has scars.  But everyone has secrets.  And everyone has things of which they feel ashamed. It’s hard when they’re written on your body, but you’re not weird and you’re not on your own. They’re a reminder of a time when things were-  or are – hard; but they’re also a reminder that you’re strong and have come through. We follow a scarred Saviour and He covers our shame.

For more info on dealing with scarring click here.



7 thoughts on “Sunshine and Scars

  1. Thanks Emma, I don’t have a huge problem with this but I am so self conscious and have lied or made something up when colleagues have asked. I’m a health professional and wear a uniform with short sleeves and it’s not always ok to wear a cardigan (infection control stuff). I hate lying, you have to have a good memory and think quickly. I forget the scars are visible at times and then someone asks what did you do?
    That and the body self consciousness when others are stripping to vest tops and shorts and I can’t bear to be that visible to myself let alone anyone else.
    Thanks for your encouraging words and empathy, as always. x x

  2. I’ve been boiling in long sleeves and tights for the past few days. Sometimes it’s frustrating that the consequences of my poor choices are so visible! Thank you for posting this, it’s a relief to hear someone talk about it so openly (although many people I’ve spoken to prefer the term self-harm or self-injury to self-mutilation)! x

  3. Hey Emma,

    Great post as usual – scars used t be a real issue for me but I am far more open these days and feel much free-er for it! Working in healthcare was the catalyst for “baring all” as I have to be bare below the elbows…and honestly, I think my scars are far more obvious to me than anyone else. I do get some comments or looks but they rarely bother me any more.

    I really dislike the word phrase “self mutilation” but I guess that’s personal preference. I just feel “mutilation” has certain negative connotations that go against the gist of this post! My scars don’t mean I’m mutilated :-)

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