a godliness app to make me do my quiet times, explain the hard bits, and make jokes when I’m stuck in 2 Chronicles
a humour app for when the cats chew through the phone cables, untangling tree lights, burnt turkey and translating Glen’s puns, (or – even better, writing new ones for him)
a fridge app to conjure delicious meals from what’s actually in my cupboards. Note to Jamie – this is Not pesto, parmesan, foraged mushrooms and olives. It’s mouldy cheese, a half-empty jar of peanut butter, last week’s garlic bread and that green thing that’s growing)
mum app to remind me to floss and phone home
common sense app to warn me off wiping eyes when chopping onions, googling childbirth,cooking with corned beef and getting a tattoo (bad with needles)
Beyonce app to make me fabulous
shut up app to remind me not to congratulate Y on breaking up with her slimy boyfriend (they’re back together)
gotobed app for when I’m watching Made in Chelsea
name app that reminds me what that nice bloke in Sainsburys is called, (and where I know him from)
argument app that will settle them once and for all
punch app for when folks tell me Irish jokes
beam me up app for when my skirt falls down in the Starbucks queue, (three days ago. Didn’t notice till guy behind me pointed it out – five minutes later).
what have I missed?