I said I was Fine…

fineBut here’s what I mean…

  1. I’m in a rush
  2. I think I’m going to cry but don’t know you well enough to say so
  3. I’m not sure how I feel, and I’m too knackered to figure it out
  4. I’m English
  5. I’m filtering: are you interested enough to keep asking?
  6. I don’t want to burden you
  7. I want you to read my mind
  8. I don’t know how to ask for help
  9. I feel I ought to be fine
  10. I’m ashamed of being needy
  11. This is the wrong time/place to discuss it
  12. I want you to stop talking
  13. I have no option but to be fine
  14. I’m frightened you can’t handle my anger
  15. I’m not fine.  Please help me.
  16. It’s easier to pretend (to myself)
  17. It’s easier to pretend (to you)
  18. I don’t want to be fixed
  19. I’m scared of letting others in
  20. I need time to process what just happened
  21. I don’t want to fight
  22. No-one can understand so why bother trying to explain
  23. I don’t know how to talk about this
  24. I think you should know what’s wrong
  25. I’m fine.

7 thoughts on “I said I was Fine…

  1. Such a terrible burden to be fine.

    Personally I’m weak, weary and hanging on by a thread, and most days I don’t care who knows it!
    Except my mother-in-law…to her I’m fine.

  2. Been absent for a while, observing the blog from a safe distance but not interacting.

    Tonight the bottom crashed out of my world again. It’s my fault, I got what I deserve. But that only makes it harder to bear. Dealing with it the only way I know how – not particularly healthily.

    My diagnosis (BPD) basically says I’m manipulative and emotionally dysfunctional. And someone else has realised this and ditched me. I try so hard not to be those things, but I seem to be incapable of sustaining close relationships. Yet another one gone.

    Now I’m questioning everything about myself again, all my motives and actions. I can’t see where it went wrong. I guess I am just too much.

    The harder I try to be normal, the less able I am to understand when it all goes wrong. Like now.

  3. Hi PWP!
    Questioning ourselves can be a really good thing, but only when it will lead to repentance and not a spiraling down into despair and shame. Remember that we can deceive ourselves even when trying to be honest!
    I don’t know why berating oneself is so comforting, but I do it too. The Holy Spirit alone truly knows the heart and its motives.
    Know this: He is not done with us. He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. We are not left alone to flail about and drown.

  4. PWP I’m sorry this is such a tough time -but Jesus comes because we are all too much and we all mess up our lives and relationships. Whatever has happened, there will be ways forward and He can work redemption out of it. Please don’t condemn yourself; as Caroline says, we are not left alone. x

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