God keeps messing up my life. Just when I think I’ve got everything sorted, He sticks His oar in and changes the plan.
It’s not like we haven’t discussed it. We’ve talked about it at length. I’ve explained (repeatedly), how it works. We’re partners, see. He’s in charge of big stuff and special occasions… but day-to-day, I’ve got it covered. If I’m stuck I’ll be sure to dial H for Holy Spirit, but it’s easier and simpler if we mostly do it my way. In fact, I’m being very unselfish. Freeing Him up to help er – whales and things.
Except that He’s not keeping to His side of the bargain. Because this is definitely not where I’d planned to be.
We’d agreed that I’d have a successful career. I was meant to be confident and feminine. A church or home group leader. A ball-breaking home-maker, godly, well-read and with a killer line in traybakes. Most of all, I was meant to be a mum.
But beyond the crossword addiction, my CV’s looking a little bare . I’m not blonde and I never did learn to play the cello. I tried to work part-time in a clothes shop, but didn’t have the stamina. I’ve been hanging with the grannies at the digestive diseases unit, not dancing up a storm in the big smoke. I’ve got two cats, not two kids. So what’s going on?
Instead of setting me free, my expectations have enslaved me. I’ve got an idea of what life should look like – success, happiness, family life…and when the pieces are missing, I’m tempted to fall apart too. I say I’m trusting God, but often that trust goes hand-in-hand with certain conditions. Yet grace is sometimes most powerful in these disappointments. It’s as my idols fail, that I see the beauty of the real Lord. As my efforts are shown up as worthless, I’m actually set free from performance. I realise that God won’t be controlled or manipulated. That He serves me – but in His time and in His way.
Hi Emma, really enjoyed this blog. I sometimes feel my whole life is driven by expectations of what my life should look like – I even find it hard to read blogs, as I then feel I should be blogging myself. Trapped again! It’s very tiring, and leaves little room to love and be loved. Thanks to Jesus though who carries our heavy burdens (that we put on ourselves), and gives us rest. Phew.
Hi Tom
Great to hear from you! I think we’re all driven by expectations, whether internal or external. The issue is what we do with them – do we run with them, or, as you’ve remind us, do we give them to Jesus to carry instead. On that note, can you imagine the weight of expectations Jesus must have lived under as the Messiah? Talk about a God who understands…
And it’s not just in the big stuff that God interferes and ‘messes’ my life up! I read this post when fretting about a casserole for a friend that hadn’t come out absolutely top-notch perfect… sounds silly but that fretting (how can I ‘improve’ it? shall I shove it in the freezer and start again?) was actually the result of worshiping my idol of others praising and admiring my amazing domestic and culinary skills. On the surface a kind and other-serving act, but dig a bit deeper and it’s (at least in part) a selfish me-serving one… ouch.
Oh yes, we’ve all had a casserole-gate..