Picking Up The Pieces
You know those days when your head’s too big for your body? There are too many thoughts open and they won’t shut down in fact, they’re breeding. There’s a tiny speaker in your ear saying ‘EMERGENCY: EVACUATE’ except wait, it’s your brain so you can’t get out.
Well, that was Saturday.
We had a follow-up appointment at the fertility clinic which admittedly, was not a great start. But I kept myself busy, (cleaned the fork drawer, took the stickers off the mandarin oranges, separated the almonds from the pistachios and made a suit for Glen’s banana, using sellotape and newspaper). When even banana-man didn’t work, I prayed.
The appointment came and went. It was mainly a post-mortem for the last cycle. ‘Fine’ I said to the consultant, ‘that’s fine’.
Glen and I had a coffee together. ‘I’m fine’ I said. And ‘see you back at home, I’ll just pick up some milk.’
Three hours later I was still circling the shops. My phone rang. ‘We don’t need milk’ said Glen. ‘Come home’.
I went home. Tried to talk but couldn’t. Went upstairs and just sat on the top step. That’s where Glen discovered me but I couldn’t explain because everything was heavy and messy and stuck. So he brought some paper and I wrote words for all the things. Not joined up, or organised. Just my head tipping out onto the page.
BABIES
DEADLINES
BOOK
PEOPLE I LOVE …
I wrote about 20 different words. Each one meant something bigger that wouldn’t unravel.
I could hear Glen ripping paper but I was too tired to stop him, (plus I wasn’t speaking which made it tricky). Then he disappeared and came back with an envelope.
On it he wrote: ‘OUR FATHER WHO LOVES US AND HOLDS THE FUTURE.’
I looked at him and my fingers curled round the words. But, one by one, I let them go.
As we read them aloud, we asked God to take them. Then, I dropped them in the envelope. (Some stuck to my fingers, so we needed to pray a bit more).
Afterwards I still felt rubbish. But the heaviness wasn’t quite so heavy and some of the brain programmes had closed. I could speak. And that was a start.
‘Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.’ 1 Peter 5:7
my heart breaks for you. I am so glad you have Glen, and Jesus. xxx
Yes. Handing it over. Again and again. Thank-you, Emma.
Hello Emma,
My name is Kara, we’ve never officially met. But, a friend gave me your book last year, and I have been reading your blog ever since. Before I continue, I just want to thank you for speaking into my life, and expressing things that i have felt with much more clarity than I could.
I am so sorry Emma for what you are having to walk through. I walked through this with a friend two years ago. I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better. But, I am praying for you and if you just want someone to talk to, I’m here. Keep clinging to Christ. I pray that you feel Him near, and that His comfort will surround you both. It’s not your fault. You are still valuable. Keep putting those words in an envelope.
Kara
“I know who holds the future and I know He holds my hand
With God things don’t just happen, everything by Him is planned
So as I face tomorrow with its problems large & small
I’ll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all!
S, Cathy, Kara and Beth: Thanks so much x
I so wish that I lived nearer and that I knew you properly.
I wish I had words that could have the power to make things better.
And…
I really think that I need a Glen!
Thinking about you Emma. You are an amazing inspiration and I am so glad that you have both God and Glen to hold you on the Saturdays of madness and pain.
With love x
no words, only gentle quiet tears xx “every tear a prayer” I think it says, and the line from a song “Lord, rend the heavens and come down” xx
Would just adore to be in on your book in any single way I can, by the way, as per old email. Any draft reading, proof-reading, heads together would be a pleasure and a privilege. Think I ran aground on one of those questions, but will see if I can find it again on email history. Genuine offer, genuine pleasure too, including if bulky or just bits of thoughts at mo. Maybe you could drop documents on an attachment. Will search for those questions. There was only one, and could just miss that one. I’ve always been a bookie lassie. ;-)
Sending so much love, heart and prayers, like holding you guys up in the palm of my hands – even in a ’place’ so big, lifting eyes to a God somehow even bigger!
Love you Emma xxx
Here we are! Right here in my living room still, all midflow still :-) oops!
Emma,
Your honesty and courage has helped me so much this past year. I cannot offer words of comfort in return and wish I could. I can’t honestly offer to pray as I’m not there yet but I am thankful for you in my life and trust that you and Glen find rest, comfort and hope in the future that you have placed in gods hands.
L xx
Ff, Esther and Laura – thank you. Lovely, lovely comments and greatly appreciated.
What a precious treasure your lovely man is. Thank you.
He is! x